we've decided on forever
by ravenreyec
Summary: Clarke is sick and they're terribly in love with each other. Clarke doesn't want to be with Lexa because it's only a matter of time until she dies. Spoiler alert: she doesn't die. Hello, this story was originally posted on AO3 (everjosh) so this is NOT stolen, it is mine entirely. everjosh and I are the same person. Enjoy this and feedback is always welcome! All my love x


Clarke has never had an easy childhood. Whereas her best friends, Raven and Octavia, were always allowed to do anything they wanted, Clarke was always stuck at home or in the hospital.

When Clarke was just a few years old, she got pneumonia for the first time. Her mother, Abby Griffin, recognized the signs immediately. Shortness of breath, fever, Clarke complaining how her tummy hurt, how she wanted to stay in bed and didn't feel like eating.

Abby Griffin was one of the best surgeons the hospital has had in years, so it didn't take long for another doctor to come to her aid as soon as she and her husband Jake, who carried Clarke, walked inside the hospital.

After examining Clarke, taking her blood to see what exactly was going, taking her for an X-ray of her lungs, Abby and Jake Griffin were pulled aside by a doctor, telling them that Clarke was sick. It was pneumonia, yes, but they also found something else in her blood.

Clarke had cystic fibrosis.

8 days later Clarke was allowed to go home again. As fate would have it, it certainly wasn't the last time she would spend so much time in the hospital.

* * *

Clarke was 14 years old when she met Lexa Woods. She was, once again, in the hospital for pneumonia. She had her hand wrapped around a pole that had her IV bag on, softly padding to the area where they could play with one another.

Clarke was too old to play with the toys they had there, but she always went there anyway, settling herself down on one of the plastic chairs, grabbing a notebook to draw.

Clarke was drawing the park she often went to with Octavia and Raven when she heard a soft, timid voice. "That's really pretty."

Clarke turned around and saw a girl, not much older than her, with brown curly hair and green eyes. Clarke noticed the cast on her arm and a few scratches and bruises on her legs.

"Thank you." Clarke said as she felt her cheeks go red.

"I'm Lexa." The girl said, settling herself on a chair next to Clarke's.

"I'm Clarke." The blonde replied, turning her body a bit towards Lexa. "What happened to you?"

"We got into an accident. A drunk driver hit us. My parents were okay but I got the worst of it." Lexa replied, looking down at Clarke's drawing again.

Clarke nodded and looked at Lexa again. Her eyes were drawn to a bad bruise on Lexa's thigh. "Does it hurt?"

Lexa shrugged. "Sometimes. The worst is already over. What happened to you?"

Clarke sighed. "I have pneumonia. Again."

"Again?" Lexa asked with a confused expression on her face.

"Yes," Clarke sighed, "I get it quite a lot because I have crappy lungs. Sometimes I need oxygen cause the pneumonia is so bad I can't breathe."

"Oh." Lexa said as she looked at the fluid of Clarke's IV bag, steadily dripping. Her eyes follow the trail up until the end where it disappears under Clarke's skin.

"Do you want to draw with me?" Clarke asked with a small smile on her face.

Lexa nodded but then added, "I can't really draw."

"That's okay, I can teach you." The blonde said, handing over a pencil to Lexa.

"Thank you, Clarke."

"You're welcome, Lexa."

A few days later and the two became inseparable. They found out that their hospital rooms were right next to each other, so often Lexa ended up in Clarke's room, sitting on her bed. Clarke found out that Lexa is 15 years old, turning 16 in 4 months, and that she has an older sister called Anya.

Clarke also found out that Lexa hit her head pretty bad in the accident. That's why she was still here. So the nurses could keep an eye on her.

"When can you go home?" Lexa asked Clarke, playing with the blonde's purple blanket that she brought from home.

"I don't know, soon I think." The blonde said, looking at Lexa's hands. "What about you?"

"I don't know." Lexa mumbled.

They were talking for a few hours when Clarke started getting trouble breathing. She never had it this bad before and she started panicking.

"Clarke? Are you okay?" Lexa asked her.

No response.

"Clarke?" Lexa asked again.

Right at that moment Clarke started gasping for air, her hands flying to her throat as if it would help getting air in her lungs.

"Clarke!" Lexa shouted as she pressed the red button. "Clarke, please just breathe!"

A nurse came running in, immediately going to Clarke, putting the oxygen mask over her nose and mouth. She turned on the oxygen machine that resided next to Clarke's hospital bed.

Clarke was still gasping for breath as the nurse pressed the red button again, calling for extra help.

Lexa stood in a corner of the hospital room, tears in her eyes as she saw how they were trying to help her friend.

Two other nurses came running into Clarke's room, one of them going to Clarke, trying to help her calm down so she could regulate her breathing.

The other one came over to Lexa. "Come on, let's get you back to your room. You don't need to see this." Lexa felt hands grab her good arm, slightly pulling on it to get her to move.

"Is she going to be okay?" Lexa asked as a few tears escaped her eyes, rolling down her cheeks.

"I don't know, but they're doing everything they can to help her, alright?" the nurse said as she led Lexa to her bed.

"When can I go back to Clarke?" Lexa asked with a small voice. She could hear people walking in and out of Clarke's room, no doubt that Clarke's parents have already arrived as well. "I want to see Clarke. I want to know if she's okay." Lexa made a move to run back to Clarke's room, but the nurse stopped her.

"I need you to stay here. I will come get you soon." The nurse said to Lexa who sighed and nodded. "Okay, I'll wait here."

The nurse left the room and Lexa was alone with her thoughts. She thought of Clarke's sky blue eyes. Of Clarke's hands drawing the most beautiful things.

About an hour later the nurse returned. "Is Clarke okay?" Lexa asked as she got up and out of her bed. "Can I go see her now?"

"Yes, Clarke is okay. Her parents have just left for the night so you can go see her for a little bit." The nurse said with a smile. "Don't be too long though, Clarke needs a lot of rest."

Lexa nodded and was out of the room before the nurse realized it, running to the blonde's room.

"Clarke." Lexa breathed as she entered Clarke's room. "Are you okay?" she asked as she sat down on the side of the bed, careful to keep her distance.

Clarke had a nose cannula. It looked a bit funny to Lexa, how something so small could help Clarke breathe. She had a second IV drip, although Lexa didn't know why she had it.

"I'm okay, Lexa. Don't worry." Clarke said as she smiled up at Lexa. "I told you I need oxygen sometimes. I just wish you didn't see this happen. I'm sorry if I scared you."

Lexa grabbed Clarke's hand. Her thumb caressing Clarke's soft skin. "You don't need to apologize. I'm glad you're okay."

Lexa let out a deep sigh. "Does this happen a lot?"

Clarke shook her head. "No."

"Okay. When can you get this out of your nose?" Lexa asked next.

"Tomorrow morning." Clarke said.

Lexa watched as Clarke yawned, her free hand (cause Lexa was still holding her other hand) covering her mouth. "I'm so tired." The blonde closed her eyes and Lexa squeezed Clarke's hand.

"I'll leave you then so you can sleep." Lexa squeezed Clarke's hand again. But just as she was about to let go, Clarke tightened her hold on Lexa's hand.

"Please stay with me." Clarke whispered, her eyes still closed. This time Lexa felt Clarke squeeze her hand. "Okay, I'll stay with you." Lexa whispered back.

And when the nurse returned later to tell Lexa to get back to her own room, she found the brunette sleeping next to Clarke, her arm protectively thrown over her, keeping her close.

* * *

That was the start of Clarke's friendship with Lexa. Eventually Lexa was allowed to leave the hospital first and they promised they would keep in touch. Even their parents became friends.

That was how, now at 17, Clarke was utterly in love with Lexa.

She wouldn't tell Lexa though. And she had a few reasons for that:

1\. Her lungs continue to be crappy, up until the point that she can't sleep without her nose cannula anymore.  
2\. She has accepted the fact that she will die soon.  
3\. She doesn't want Lexa to completely break when she dies.

"Clarke, I really think you should tell Lexa." Octavia said, wrapping her arm around Raven's waist. The two had started dating a few months ago and they could tell that Clarke was in love with Lexa. They also knew that Lexa is in love with Clarke.

"O, she doesn't love me back. I don't want to lose her in the short time I have left." Clarke sighed as she threw her phone on her bed. "And she's not texting me back."

"You really need to stop talking about you dying." Raven said, walking across Clarke's room and hugging her. "You will be just fine. You're too stubborn to die anyway."

Clarke chuckled. "Thanks, Rae. That really makes me feel better."

"That's what best friends are for." Raven let go of Clarke and winked at her. "You will have a long and happy life with Lexa Woods by your side."

Clarke closed her eyes and a few tears escaped, rolling down her cheeks.

"Come here, Clarke. Let's go to bed." Octavia said as she dragged Clarke down to the bed. "Rae and I will keep you safe tonight."

Clarke put in her nose cannula and crawled under the blankets. She checked her phone one more time but there was still no message from Lexa. She was sure Lexa had a good reason for not replying.

Sometime later in the night, Clarke woke up from the sound of her phone buzzing on her nightstand. Octavia and Raven were fast asleep beside her and her parents were asleep down the hall. She knew that it was Lexa.

"Lex?" Clarke mumbled as she picked up the phone. "Lexa?" Clarke asked again as she didn't get a reply from the girl on the other end of the phone.

A quiet sob broke the silence.

"Lexa, what's going on? Are you okay?" Clarke asked her worriedly. "Please talk to me."

"Clarke." Lexa sounded broken, desperate. "Clarke, I need you."

"Lexa, where are you? Can you come to my house?" Clarke asked as she got out of bed.

"I'm at your front door." As soon as Clarke heard this, she took out her cannula (cause the oxygen tank is too heavy for her to drag downstairs and she only needs it to sleep anyway) and practically runs down the stairs to the front door.

She unlocks and opens the door and before she knows it, she's wrapped up in a hug. Clarke wraps her arms around Lexa and hugs her tightly as she feels Lexa's tears on her neck where the brunette is hiding her face.

"Lex? Hey, you're okay." Clarke shushed her as Lexa's sobs sound through the silence of the house.

Lexa releases Clarke and makes her way to the living room, leaving Clarke to close and lock the door again.

"Lex, tell me what happened, please." Clarke whispered as she took place next to Lexa on the couch.

She wrapped her arms around Lexa and went to sit on her lap, one leg each side of Lexa's hips.

"I was on a date with someone. That's why I didn't reply to your texts tonight, I'm sorry." Lexa whispers as she hides her face in Clarke's neck again. "I couldn't do it anymore." The brunette mumbled against Clarke's skin.

"I'm sorry, Lex. But what do you mean, you couldn't do it anymore? I thought you liked her." Clarke said as she rubbed her hands over Lexa's back, trying to comfort her.

"I couldn't be on that date with her anymore pretending I like her, knowing that my heart belongs to someone else." Lexa whispered as she moved her head so she could look at Clarke's face.

Lexa's eyes were puffy and red from crying and there were tear streaks on her cheeks. Clarke placed her hands on Lexa's cheeks, wiping away the tears.

"I never liked her. I thought I could love her eventually, you know, but I just can't. I don't want her, Clarke. I want you." Lexa sighed and closed her eyes. "I'm so in love with you, Clarke."

Clarke blinked away the tears in her own eyes. "I'm sorry, Lex. I can't be with anyone. Not right now."

"Do you love me, Clarke? Please tell me that you do. Please tell me that you feel the same thing for me as I feel for you." Lexa begged, her forehead against Clarke's.

"I'm going to die, Lexa. I don't want to put you through this." Clarke whispered, tears now rolling down her cheeks as well.

"Clarke," Lexa pleaded, "I'd rather have you for just a short amount of time than not have you at all. Please."

"I want you, too." Clarke whispered. "But I don't want to put you through so much sadness when I die."

"I will be sad either way, Clarke, whether we are together or not. And please stop talking about you dying. I don't even want to imagine you dead." Lexa hid her face in Clarke's neck again.

"Lex." Clarke said as she moved her head away. "We talked about this. My lungs are getting worse. You need to accept that I will die soon."

"Like hell I do." Lexa said as she made a bold move and placed her lips on Clarke's.

Clarke was stunned as she felt Lexa's soft lips on her own. She placed her hands on Lexa's cheeks, pushing back against Lexa's lips.

A soft moan escaped Clarke's lips as Lexa slipped her tongue in Clarke's mouth. Lexa tightened her grip on Clarke's hips and softly traced patterns on Clarke's soft skin.

Clarke was the first one to break away from the kiss. She licked her lips as she leaned her forehead against Lexa's. "Lexa, please." She sobbed as she thought about how life isn't fair.

She was so in love with Lexa. But she was going to die. She had no idea what to do.

"Clarke. Please. I want this. I want you. I want to be by your side every day, I want to hold your hand, I want to cuddle you late at night while you complain about your cannula, I want to kiss you when your parents aren't looking, I want to kiss you until you get enough of me. I want to hold your hand when you have to go to the hospital for your check-ups, I want to hold your hand and hold you close when it gets hard. I want to make love to you. Life will be hard on us, but you are worth it, Clarke. You are so worth it. And together we will get through it." Lexa whispered.

"Lexa," Clarke whispered softly, "I don't know what to do. I'm going to die. I can't do this to you."

"Did you even listen to what I just said? I want to take this risk. You're worth it, Clarke. Please. Give us a chance. Give _me_ a chance." Lexa closed her eyes and pressed a soft kiss to the blonde's nose. "Please."

Clarke sighed. Lexa was too stubborn for her own good. "Okay," and Clarke saw the small lopsided smile as she said this, "but you have to promise me that you will move on after I die, you can't let this ruin any future relationships for you."

"I promise. But if it's up to me, I won't ever have to say goodbye to you." Lexa put her hands on Clarke's cold wet cheeks.

"Yeah, but it's not up to you, is it?"

* * *

Clarke and Lexa decided it would be better to keep their new relationship a secret from her parents (Raven and Octavia knew already, of course). At least for now. It wasn't rare that Lexa stayed over at their house, sleeping in Clarke's double bed, but they were sure that if they told her parents they were together, they would make Lexa sleep somewhere else.

And Clarke really wanted her personal heater next to her in her bed.

"Lex, you're so soft and warm." Clarke said as she cuddled into the brunette.

Lexa gave her a kiss on her forehead. "You forgot your cannula."

All the brunette could hear was a muffled groan. Five seconds later, "You're so comfortable, I don't want to move."

"You can't fall asleep without it, you need it."

Clarke sighed and got up again. "Fine." She grabbed her cannula and placed it underneath her nose, the wires going around her ears so it would stay in place. She turned on her oxygen tank. "Happy now?"

Lexa nodded. She wasn't going to mention it, but she did notice how Clarke's breathing got lighter when she turned on her tank. "I'm happy now."

Clarke tried to get back to her original comfortable position, but to no avail. She let out a deep sigh and mumbled a few curse words under her breath. Lexa chuckled and Clarke lightly slapped her on the shoulder. "This is all your fault, you made me get up again."

"I regret nothing." Lexa said as she kissed the blonde's lips. She deepened the kiss and Clarke moaned softly. Hands were wandering until Lexa's hand accidentally snatched at Clarke's cannula.

"Ouch," Clarke said as she felt the strong tug, and her hands flew immediately to it, making sure it was still in place. "I think we better stop."

Lexa laughed softly. "Oops, I didn't mean to do that. Are you okay? Did I hurt you?"

Clarke smiled at her. "No, you didn't hurt me, I'm okay. Let's just go to sleep."

Clarke turned around so she could snuggle into Lexa, making her the little spoon. It was the only way they could sleep properly without there being a chance of hindering Clarke's cannula during their sleep.

And with the sound of the oxygen tank whirring through Clarke's room, they both fell asleep with a smile on their face.

* * *

Clarke was doing okay. Not good, but okay. She felt that something was off though, when she woke up in the morning a few months later. She noticed that her breathing was labored, even after a whole night of using the extra oxygen. It was odd, but not uncommon, it had happened before, and the doctor said there was nothing to worry about as long as it didn't get worse and if it didn't happen every time.

She decided she wouldn't tell her parents or Lexa, if only so they wouldn't worry about her.

That, of course, was a mistake. Nothing could have prepared Lexa for what was about to happen later that night.

Lexa was staying over again, as she did often since they were together. Everything was okay when they went to bed, a few stolen kisses here and there.

But in the middle of the night, Clarke woke up gasping for air. Her hands flew to her throat, much like she did when she was younger and in the hospital. Lexa woke up from the sudden movement next to her, and was up in an instant.

"L-lexa, I c-can't b-breathe." She staggered out, still gasping for air.

"ABBY!" Lexa yelled as loud as she could, knowing that her parents' room was only across the hall. "CALL 911 AND GET IN HERE NOW!"

Clarke still had her hands at her throat. Lexa grabbed her hands, trying to calm her down. "You're okay, Clarke. You're okay. Try to calm down so you can take deeper breaths."

Clarke's eyes were full of panic, and Lexa wished she never had to see this.

"H-help me." Tears were rolling down her cheeks.

"Clarke! Stay with me! I know it's hard but try to calm down." Lexa was frantic, didn't know how to help her girlfriend. The brunette heard noises outside of Clarke's room, then the door slammed open and Abby entered with her phone in her hand.

"Clarke! The ambulance is on the way, what's wrong?" Abby asked as she grabbed her daughter's face, looking around frantically to see what's going on.

"I c-can't b-breathe." Clarke hiccupped, breath heaving as she did so. Abby recognized signs of panic, being a doctor herself. "Lexa! Try to calm her down, I'm going to check if anything is wrong with her tank. The ambulance should be here soon."

Abby moved off the bed, checking Clarke's cannula and tank, but didn't see anything out of order. She did, however, raise Clarke's oxygen levels. Only Clarke's doctor is allowed to do this, but when her daughter's life is at stake, Abby couldn't care less.

"Clarke, honey, do you feel a difference?" Abby asked as she returned to Clarke's bed, noticing how Lexa held on tightly to Clarke's hands and whispering things in her ear.

The blonde was still gasping for air, although not as badly as before. Clarke nodded lightly and tried to match her breathing to Lexa's.

"M-my chest hurts." Clarke mumbled as she took in deep breaths. "Lexa." Clarke whined and new tears rolled down her cheeks as she cried. "It hurts, Lex. Help me."

At that moment Clarke's father, Jake, ran up the stairs with doctors from the ambulance on his heel.

Lexa tried to move away from Clarke to give them space to hook her up to whatever they needed to check her vitals, but the blonde was having none of it and kept a steady grip on Lexa's hand.

While Abby explained to them what was going on, Clarke's cannula was changed into a mask and they undid the buttons of her pajama, so they could check her heart with a monitor.

Lexa was anxiously biting on the skin of her fingernails. While the brunette could clearly see that Clarke wasn't having trouble to breathe anymore, it still hurt to see her this way.

"Dr. Griffin, we need to take your daughter to the hospital and do some examinations on why this happened. And we will probably at least keep her there for 24 hours under observation."

Abby nodded. "Whatever needs to be done, we're used to it."

It wasn't easy, but they brought up a stretcher and placed Clarke on it, careful of all the wires hooked to her now, and they took her down to the ambulance gently.

Lexa finally had to let go of Clarke's hand, but before Clarke could react, she whispered to her that she would take some of their stuff to bring to the hospital and that she would follow the ambulance with her car. She already knew Abby was going to ride with her girlfriend, and she understood why.

Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. All Lexa wanted was to be close to Clarke, to know that she's okay. That she's going to be okay. But when she thought about it, she knew that this was bad, that Clarke wasn't going to be okay.

* * *

Lexa arrived at the hospital fifteen minutes later, holding a bag with Clarke's bottles of medication and the blonde's phone and some clothes that they could change her into later. She entered the emergency room and went to the desk.

"Clarke Griffin, please. Tell me where she is. I need to see her." Lexa said, slightly out of breath from rushing to the hospital.

The lady at the desk lowered her glasses and looked at Lexa. "Are you family?"

"No, I'm her girlfriend. Please, I need to see her." Lexa said desperately.

"Sorry, child. Only family is allowed." She said.

Lexa sighed. "Please."

"It's okay, she can come in. She's my daughter's best friend and Clarke has been asking for her." Abby said from behind the desk and Lexa sighed in relief.

"Thanks, Abby." Lexa said as the lady at the desk nodded and buzzed her in.

"How is she doing?" The brunette immediately asked as she walked over to Abby.

The blonde's mother sighed. "She's doing okay. They took her for some scans to see what the problem is. I think, from observing her, that there might be an infection brewing and that her oxygen levels aren't high enough anymore. Worst case scenario she'll need it 24/7. But we can live with that, it's only a minor setback."

Lexa nodded, unconvincingly. How was going from only needing extra oxygen at night, to all day every day, only a minor setback?

A few moments later they brought Clarke back to her room. Lexa could clearly see that the blonde was exhausted.

"Clarke. Hey, babe." She said as soon as they settled Clarke into her room, hooking her up to the machines again, switching from the mask to the cannula. Lexa also noticed that Clarke had an IV in her hand.

She walked over to Clarke's bed and kissed her softly on her forehead. Then softly on her lips.

"Lexa. I'm glad you're here." Clarke whispered as she grabbed Lexa's hand with her free hand. She tugged on it gently. "Please. Come lay next to me. I need you."

Lexa was wary. Clarke was obviously tired and she was hooked to several machines. She was bound to tug at some wire, and she didn't want to risk that, not now.

"I'm here, Clarke. I can't join you in your bed, not yet. Maybe later, when they've unhooked you from some machines." Lexa said, softly stroking Clarke's blonde hair. "Get some sleep now, it's 4:23am, the night isn't over yet."

Clarke nodded and closed her eyes, falling asleep almost instantly.

Lexa watched as her girlfriend fell asleep. She looked at peace. She still held on tightly to her hand, even in her sleep.

The brunette leaned back in the uncomfortable chair. She knew that Abby wouldn't come back just yet, probably anxiously waiting for the results, nagging the other doctors to make it go faster.

She closed her eyes, she was exhausted too. But when she did, all she could see was Clarke. Clarke's blue eyes. Clarke's beautiful smile. Clarke giggling, something that didn't happen often. Clarke. Clarke. Clarke.

But then Clarke's face changed. That beautiful smile disappeared, and instead Lexa saw Clarke gasping for air again, her hands on her throat. Lexa jolted awake, her heart beating frantically. She only calmed down enough when she felt Clarke's hand still in hers, still sleeping, still breathing.

Lexa sighed in relief. She got up and kissed her on her forehead. On the tip of her nose. On her lips. "I'll be right back, I'm just going to get some coffee." She whispered. Clarke probably couldn't hear her, but it comforted Lexa either way.

She let go of Clarke's hand and left the room, in search of a coffee machine. She got two, one for her and one for Abby, in case she wanted it. Needed it.

When she got back to Clarke's room, she saw that the blonde was awake again.

"Hey babe, how are you feeling?" Lexa said as she bend down again to give Clarke a kiss, immediately grabbing her hand.

"Tired." Clarke said, yawning again.

Lexa smiled softly. "Does your chest still hurt?"

"Not so much. Only a little when I breathe too deep."

Lexa nodded, softly stroking Clarke's skin with her thumb. "Your doctor will be here soon to discuss results."

"Okay." Clarke said as she closed her eyes again, slowly falling asleep once more.

"So we have the results." Clarke's doctor said as he entered her room several hours later. "I'm afraid I don't have good news."

Lexa sat up straighter in her chair, squeezing Clarke's hand to comfort her.

"On your scans we can see that there's an infection. It's still early stadium, which is why you're hooked to that IV, so we can give you antibiotics. Your lungs are also full of mucus, more so than before. We are going to give you different medication for that, so you will cough it up."

Clarke nodded. "Okay, I can do that. When can I go home?"

"It depends. You have already had so many lung infections, that your antibiotics might not work anymore. You need to stay at least 3 days so we can monitor that you get the complete dose and that it works. You had breathing problems because of the mucus on your lungs and the infection, so as long as that doesn't change, you will need oxygen all the time. We can turn it off for a while, maximum one hour, but besides that you will be constantly getting oxygen through your cannula."

The blonde sighed. She was tired of hospitals. "Okay." She sighed defeatedly.

"We'll bring you to a different room where you'll be staying for the next few days." Her doctor said, "Take care and I will see you in a few days." He turned around and left the room.

"Oh honey, everything will be okay." Abby said as she saw the defeat on her daughter's face. "Don't give up."

Clarke shook her head, squeezed Lexa's hand. "I won't."

Two nurses came in and unhooked Clarke from the machines so they could bring her to the ward where she'll be staying at. Lexa let go of her hand and made sure she had everything that belonged to them in her bag.

Clark's parents were staying with her so Lexa took the time to go home and shower and put on some clean clothes instead of her sweatpants that she uses to sleep in. She had already contacted Raven, Octavia and Anya, and they would all come visit soon. Anya, too, became a friend of Clarke's and Lexa was pretty sure that Anya had them figured out.

When Lexa got back to the hospital later that day, she brought Anya with her. Anya had a small gift for Clarke, a new notebook where she could doodle.

"How are you feeling, Clarke?" Anya asked after she gave the gift to her.

"I'm okay." Clarke said, unwrapping the messily wrapped gift. "Aw, thank you so much for this. I'll make sure to use it well." Clarke said as she motioned for Anya to come closer so she could give her a hug.

"Talk to Lexa," Clarke whispered in Anya's ear, "I know she's kind of in shock of what she saw the other night, but she keeps telling me she's fine. But I know she's not. Please." When they broke apart again, Anya nodded.

When evening came and Raven and Octavia arrived to visit Clarke, Anya motioned at Lexa to go somewhere else.

"I'll be right back." Lexa said to Clarke as she kissed her on the cheek. "Don't miss me too much." She joked as she winked at her girlfriend.

Clarke smiled softly, looking up into Lexa's brown eyes. "I can't promise anything."

* * *

"Lexa, are you okay?" Anya asked as soon as they sat down on her couch. Luckily, her sister's apartment wasn't far from the hospital.

"Yes." Lexa said, not wanting to show her emotions.

"I can see that you're not okay. I am your sister after all, I know all your facial expressions." Anya said with a smirk on her face. "Now come on, talk to me."

Lexa sighed. "It was so scary, Anya. I really thought she was going to die."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Her sister asked.

"No," a few seconds later, "Yes. I don't know."

Anya softly took Lexa's hand in her own. "I'm here for you, sis. Talk to me."

"She couldn't _breathe_ , Anya. And there was nothing that I could do. She was begging me to help her and I couldn't do anything." Lexa's brown eyes were filled with tears, ready to spill over.

"Lex. She knows that. You couldn't have done anything." Anya whispered to her.

"You should have seen her face. Full of panic. Her blue eyes didn't even look blue anymore. More like a pale grey. It was terrifying. She had her hands at her throat, as if that would help her breathe. I can't get it out of my head. I love her so much, I can't even begin to think what I would do if she die-". Lexa was cut off by Anya. "Don't say that, Lex. That's not going to happen."

Lexa nodded. "I just love her so much."

"I know, you've been best friends for a few years now, of course you love her." Anya said. Lexa smiled sheepishly and Anya's face turned into one of confusion. Until it, of course, made sense. It was always bound to happen.

"She's your girlfriend, isn't she?" Anya asked with a smile. "You don't even need to answer that. I saw it at the hospital, the way she looked at you, the way you looked at her. I'm happy for you, kid."

Lexa would deny it if you ever asked her, but she honest to God _blushed_ when Anya said this. "Thanks Anya, that means a lot."

"Sure thing, kid. Now come on, let's go back to your girl. And if you ever need your big sister, you know where to find me."

"Clarke, stop doing this." Lexa said with a smile on her face, "It's inappropriate to do this in the hospital."

"What's wrong with a little of kissing, Lex? What are they going to do? Kick me out? They can't do that, or I'll die." She said, shrugging her shoulders. "Come on, Lex. I just want you to kiss me." She said with a pout.

A pout.

Yeah. She can't resist _that._

So she complied and kissed her. It was soft and sweet and everything a kiss should be. Her hands were on Clarke's cheeks, Clarke's hands were on hers.

Clarke tasted like strawberry yogurt, and when they broke apart, Lexa saw the empty package of the yogurt.

"Mm, you taste nice." Lexa said with her lips still pressed against Clarke's. "You know I love strawberries."

Clarke giggled softly. "Yes, I do. I may or may not have eaten it on purpose."

Lexa smiled at her beautiful girlfriend and went in for another kiss when the door opened and a nurse came in, scraping her throat lightly.

"I'm sorry to disturb you, but it's time for Clarke's next dose of antibiotics." The nurse said politely.

Lexa nodded and stepped away, but not too far so she could still be close to Clarke.

"Thank you." They both said as the nurse hooked it to Clarke's IV and the fluid was steadily dripping.

"There's another one in 8 hours, we will try not to wake you up. If you need anything, just press the red button and we'll come as soon as we can. Try to get some sleep now, it's been a long night and day for you." The nurse said as she smiled at both of them, then turned around and left the room.

"Lex?" Clarke asked, her voice drowsy from sleep. "Will you stay with me?"

"Always." Lexa softly whispered, pressing a kiss to Clarke's forehead.

Clarke scooted over as far as she could in her hospital bed. "I've only got my IV drip and my cannula. You said if I wasn't hooked to machines anymore that you would sleep next to me."

Lexa chuckled. "Yes, smarty-pants. But if I notice you start to get uncomfortable, I'm leaving."

"As if I could ever be uncomfortable with you next to me." Clarke said with her eyes closed, already falling asleep with Lexa by her side.

And when the nurse returned 8 hours later with another dose of antibiotics, she smiled at the two lovers curled up on the small bed, looking at peace.

* * *

Clarke has had a fair few doses of antibiotics now, and she should be getting better.

But instead, she's getting worse.

Clarke has a fever. A high fever. The antibiotics aren't working, the infection isn't going away and she can hardly keep any food in. And when she does, she only has a few small bites, afraid that it will come back up again.

There's only so many times that you want your girlfriend to see this.

Lexa doesn't care though. She promised Clarke that she'd always be here, and she won't let a bit of vomit keep her away from her girlfriend.

"Lexa." Clarke said softly, exhaustion written all over her body. "I love you. I love you so much."

"I love you too, Clarke. So much." Lexa said softly. "I'm here for you, love."

"I'm so lucky to have you, Lex. Thank you." Clarke sounded tired. Weak. Like life was draining out of her.

"You'll be okay, Clarke. Remember when I said that I wouldn't let anything happen to you if it were up to me?" Lexa said as she looked into Clarke's tired blue eyes.

Clarke smiled softly, closing her eyes. Robbing Lexa of her staring into the blonde's eyes.

"Remember when I said it's not up to you?"

* * *

But as it is, luck is not on their side and only trained medical staff is allowed inside Clarke's room, to prevent it getting worse. Clarke's condition spiraled downwards so fast, she didn't even have time to say goodbye.

 _Goodbye._

Lexa choked up. She was standing outside Clarke's room, where she can see that Clarke has lost consciousness. She sees doctors inserting a tube down her throat, a tube in her nose. To help her breath. To keep her fed while she's _sleeping_ (Lexa refuses to believe her body is shutting down on her).

Abby and Jake are by her side, the blonde's mother gently stroking her back as they watch it all unfold in front of them.

"I didn't even get to say goodbye. I didn't even have time to tell her she needed to hold on. That she can't give up. She needs to come back to us." Lexa said as she finally gave in to her emotions and tears slowly rolled down her cheeks.

"She knows that she needs to hold on. She'll do everything she can to come back to us. To come back to _you_." Abby said softly. She felt powerless. A doctor and she can't even save her own daughter.

"Abby, I need to tell you something." Lexa said in-between tears, turning her head to the older brunette, not having enough courage to see her girlfriend like this.

"Oh honey, I already know. We already know. We're not blind, you know." Abby said, a small watery smile on her face. "And we are both happy for you and my daughter, you girls deserve the best and I know that Clarke couldn't find anyone better than you."

They hugged. And then Jake joined the hug. And while it would be even better if Clarke was here to join the hug, Lexa felt a little less alone for at least two minutes.

A few moments later the doctors and nurses left the room, taking off their special coats and masks that they will need to wear when they go into Clarke's room. One of them came up to the three of them.

"We've stabilized her but we need to keep her in quarantine for now. The antibiotics didn't work and her lungs are getting in a terrible state where they barely function for 20%. We've put her on a transplant list as high urgent, the next available pair of lungs are for her. We've inserted two tubes, one in her throat to help her breath, the other one all the way to her stomach to feed her. All we can do now is keep a close eye on her and wait. There's nothing else that we can do."

Lexa gulped. This is getting too much. There was always a possibility of Clarke dying, but now it was becoming reality and she couldn't handle it. She couldn't. Clarke was the love of her life, she can't let her go, not so soon.

"Can we go in?" Lexa asked with a small voice, already knowing the answer.

"No, I'm sorry, you can't." The doctor said. "Chances of her waking up are pretty non-existent at the moment, she really needs these new lungs. If you'll excuse me, I have other patients to get to. Have a good evening."

Lexa was baffled. Clarke not waking up? Never seeing those beautiful blue eyes again? And then Lexa broke. She completely broke down. And Abby was there to pick her up. And then Anya was there too and Lexa just _couldn't_ stop crying.

Abby whispered softly to Anya, updating her on Clarke's condition.

Lexa was sitting on the ground, sobs wracking her body.

"Come on, kid. Let's go somewhere more private."

"She won't wake up, Anya. I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying here. I need to be with her. She needs me. Please. She's all alone in there. She's probably scared. Anya. Please."

Lexa kept begging for them to let her inside and it broke Anya's heart to see her like this.

"Lexa." Anya whispered. "You can't go in. It's not safe for Clarke right now, no matter how much she needs you."

 _Or how much I need her._

Weeks go by and Clarke's condition doesn't change. Which, all in all, is a good sign. She's not getting better, but she's also not getting any worse. She seems to be doing okay with the machine helping her breathe and, much to her dismay, the doctor was right about Clarke not waking up. But he kept insisting that it was a good thing, that this way Clarke's body didn't have to go through all the exertion she would if she were awake.

Lexa didn't like it one bit. She barely left Clarke alone though. She was there, standing at the window, watching her girlfriend's chest rise slowly.

Until it didn't.

Alarms started blaring, signaling the nurses.

Lexa started panicking because Clarke's heart stopped _beating._

A whole team of nurses and doctors ran to her room, entering it quickly. Lexa tried to follow them, but Abby stopped her.

"Lexa, don't." She said, tears on her cheeks. Of course as a doctor she was notified of her daughter's alarms.

"I need to be with her, please. She needs me. She's not breathing, Abby. She's not breathing." Lexa was crying again, not caring who saw her like this.

"Lexa, no. We have to let them do this."

They watched as they removed Clarke's upper clothing, revealing her chest clad in a comfortable sports bra. They watched as they shocked her body, hoping that her heart would start again.

Lexa was desperate to get inside the room. When she saw Abby wasn't holding on tight to her anymore, she pulled away and ran. She ran to Clarke's room, entered it before anybody could stop her.

"CLARKE! YOU CAN'T GIVE UP. YOU NEED TO HOLD ON. PLEASE. I LOVE YOU. COME BACK TO ME."

The nurses who were observing ran to Lexa, dragging her out of the room again.

"CLARKE PLEASE. YOU NEED TO COME BACK."

And to everyone's surprise, Clarke's heart started beating again.

* * *

"We found a pair of lungs."

Lexa was half asleep on one of the chairs outside Clarke's room, Abby sitting next to her holding the brunette's hand. They were both wide awake within seconds when they heard this.

"We just need to check the compatibility, but if its compatible, we can prepare Clarke for surgery." The doctor continued. "After last night, we can't afford to wait any longer."

"How long will it take to check if they are compatible?" Lexa asked, a tinge of hope in her voice.

"They're checking it as we speak, we should know soon enough."

"Thank you." Abby said to her colleague. "Lexa, this is good news. We shouldn't get our hopes up just yet but I have a good feeling about this."

Lexa nodded and squeezed Abby's hand. "I hope you're right."

Abby was right to have a good feeling about it. The lungs were compatible and they prepped Clarke for surgery.

This moment was going to change their lives. It was going to change Abby and Jake's life. Lexa's life. But most importantly, it was going to change _Clarke's_ life. She'd have to be careful, because there's always a chance of her body rejecting these new lungs. The worst thing is that it could happen immediately, but it could also happen in five years. They'd always have to watch out for that.

But at least Clarke could go out and sleep without needing her oxygen tank. At least this could add more years to her life.

They were ready to wheel Clarke's bed to the operation room. When they opened the door to her room, Lexa and Abby went to her immediately.

"Can I give her a kiss?" Lexa asked timidly. "Please?"

The doctor nodded and said, "Be quick, we need to move on."

Lexa leaned down and kissed Clarke on her forehead. "Thank you for coming back to me, love. Now I need you to fight and hold on one more time. For me. For us." A tear rolled over Lexa's cheek, leaving a trace. "I love you."

Abby hastily did the same thing, squeezing Lexa's hand when they see the doctors taking Clarke away.

Eight hours. That's how long it takes. An agonizing eight hours.

Lexa and Abby sigh in relief when the surgeon brings them the good news.

"We are done and her new lungs are functioning well. We're going to keep her at the ICU for a week, where she'll be monitored closely for signs of infection or rejection. Because of that, only two people will be allowed to visit her. Once she's back to a room here, there can be more visitors, if they are not sick."

Lexa and Abby nodded, understanding. Needless to say they were the two people who were going to see her.

"Would you like to see her?" The surgeon asked with a friendly smile on his face. Abby and Lexa both nodded. _Of course_ they wanted to see her. "Alright, follow me then."

Lexa and Abby followed him to another floor, getting buzzed in by a nurse from the ICU.

"You will need to wear protective clothes when you go in her room, this to prevent bacteria spreading in the room. Her condition is stable now, her vitals are good. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask any time." He turned around and left the room.

They both put on the protective clothes, then slowly made their way inside Clarke's room.

She looked peaceful. She still had the tube down her throat. The tube in her nose. An IV disappearing into her hand. Another one in the crook of her elbow.

And then Lexa saw the huge bandage that covered Clarke's chest. It was wrapped up tightly, but Lexa noticed some blood on it anyway.

"She's bleeding." Lexa whispered, panic spread over her face. "We need to call a nurse."

"No honey, it's just from her wound, it's nothing bad. It looks good." Abby said gently. "Don't worry, she's okay."

Lexa nodded and softly took Clarke's hand, careful not to mess up anything.

"Hi, love." She whispered. "I missed you."

Lexa was crying again. She sure did cry a lot the last few days. Lexa looked at the blonde's face, her blue eyes closed. She leaned forward to press her lips against Clarke's cheek. She felt warm.

"I love you."

* * *

It took Clarke a few days, but finally she was starting to wake up. She felt a heavy pressure on her chest, but not in a bad way. Her finger twitched, and that's when she felt someone was holding her hand. Then a squeeze.

"Clarke?" A voice whispered. "Clarke? Can you hear me?" Another squeeze. "Squeeze my hand if you can hear me."

Clarke tried with all the power she had to squeeze Lexa's hand. It was weak, but it was there. The blonde heard someone gasping.

"Clarke? Open your beautiful eyes for me, love. You can do it." Whoever was talking to her, she had a beautiful voice.

Clarke slowly blinked, trying to get her eyes to open. It took a few tries, but in the end she succeeded.

"Clarke!" Lexa exclaimed, "Oh my god, you're awake." Lexa pressed the red button for a nurse to come.

Clarke tried to talk, but only then did she notice the tube down her throat. Her free hand went to her mouth, wanting to take out the offending tube.

"Clarke, don't. I called for someone. They'll come take it out. Are you okay? Are you in pain?" The brunette asked, a smile on her face at seeing her girlfriend awake.

Clarke softly shook her head no.

A few minutes later a nurse came in Clarke's room, followed by a doctor who was authorized to remove the tube.

"Alright Clarke, I'm going to take out your tube. You're going to feel this, it doesn't hurt but it's annoying. Are you ready?" She asked gently. Clarke nodded. "Alright, here we go. I want you to relax as much as you can."

Clarke did her best, but as the doctor was pulling out the tube and it passed her throat, she gagged. The blonde instinctively squeezed Lexa's hand in the process.

Both tubes were now taken out and Clarke sighed in relief. She tried talking but couldn't, her throat was too dry. The doctor offered her a cup of water, an orange straw following.

"You can't drink too much yet, but a little to soothe your throat won't hurt."

Clarke took a tiny sip from the water and swallowed, smiling gratefully as she finished.

"Thank you." The blonde whispered. Her voice still sounded rough, but that happens when you don't talk for weeks and there has been a tube down your throat.

The doctor placed the cup back on the nightstand.

"How is your breathing, Clarke? Do you feel like it's going okay?" The doctor then asked, ordering the nurse who was still present in the room to prepare the oxygen just in case.

Clarke nodded. "Yeah, I feel like it's going easier."

"That's good, that's what we like to hear. We're going to give you some extra oxygen for twenty-four hours but after that you should be good to try and go without, that sound good to you?"

The blonde smiled. "Yes. I've gone my whole life with a cannula, I can handle twenty-four more hours."

Her doctor nodded while the nurse put in Clarke's cannula. "Alright, I'll leave you alone with your girlfriend now, she hasn't left your side in all these weeks. She's a keeper, Clarke." The doctor winked at her and left the room, the nurse following behind.

"Hey girlfriend." Clarke whispered to Lexa, a smile on her face.

"Clarke. I can't believe you're awake. I never thought I'd see your beautiful blue eyes again. You were _dead_ , your heart stopped." Lexa was crying again.

Clarke shushed her gently, bringing her hand up so she could trace Lexa's face with her fingers. "I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere. You're stuck with me a little longer."

Lexa laughed through her tears. "I wouldn't want to be stuck with anyone else."

"Now shut up and kiss me." Clarke said as she pulled Lexa closer, kissing her softly on her lips.

* * *

Clarke was stable enough to go back to a normal room. If everything was going okay, she was allowed to go home in a week. She would have to come back two/three times a week for physical therapy and check-ups, but she didn't mind.

"I wonder how long my scar is." Clarke said as Lexa sat down on the side of her bed. "I've always avoided it until now, I didn't want to see it."

"If you're feeling up to it, you can have a look today when they change your bandage." Lexa said softly, kissing Clarke on her cheek.

Clarke nodded her head. "I'll think about it."

The blonde didn't have much time to think, because five minutes later the nurse entered her room, carrying a tray of supplies to change the bandage and clean the wound.

This nurse let Lexa stay in the room, as long as she kept her distance and wouldn't disturb her.

Clarke sighed deeply as the nurse put on gloves to remove the bandage. Here goes nothing.

As the bandage was removed, Clarke saw it. Her skin around the wound was a little bit bruised, purple and yellow colored. The nurse cleaned it gently, making sure she didn't put too much pressure on it.

When she was done and put a new bandage over it, she asked Clarke if she needed something for the pain. She shook her head and thanked her.

"Lex, it's so big." Clarke said defeatedly. She knew it was going to be big, but she didn't expect _this_. "Everyone's going to see it when I wear a bikini."

"That's okay, Clarke. You should be proud of your scar. When life knocked you down, you got back up. There's nothing to be ashamed of."

"I know." The blonde said. "Doesn't make it easier though."

"It doesn't matter to me, Clarke. Your body was beautiful before, now it's even more beautiful. Your scar will always be a reminder that you fought for your life, you should wear it with pride."

Clarke nodded and sighed. "You're too good to me, Lexa. I love you."

"I love you too." Lexa whispered back.

Days went by and Clarke was spoiled with visits from her friends and family. They all brought her gifts, too. When she was allowed to go home, Lexa came into her room with a wheelchair. Her doctor had just brought her discharge papers, explaining how she needs to take her new medication to suppress rejection and what symptoms she needs to look out for.

"Really, Lexa? You're making me sit in a wheelchair?" Clarke asked incredulous. "Why do you hate me?"

Lexa shushed her. "You'll thank me later, you can barely walk to the bathroom without getting tired. Your body is still recovering, Clarke. Don't strain it."

"Alright, alright. Come here so I can kiss you." The blonde said, sitting on the side of her bed. Lexa took place between her legs, nudging them open a little. The brunette grabbed Clarke's cheeks, pulling her in to kiss her.

Clarke let out a soft groan. "I missed this." She said when they broke apart. "And I can't touch you for another three weeks, this is going to be torture."

"It takes as long as it takes, Clarke. I'll wait for you, you know that." Lexa said, placing another kiss to Clarke's lips. "Let's go home, love."

Lexa helped Clarke get up of the bed, then gently lowering her down in the wheelchair. She had thanked all of the nurses and her doctors in the morning when they came for her last checkup, so she only had to go to the desk to tell them she was going to leave.

When they got to the main floor, Abby was waiting for them, car keys in her hand, ready to go.

"Alright, Clarke. Are you ready to go back home to your own bed after spending three months in the hospital?" Her mother asked as she helped Clarke get in the car, buckling her up.

"Yes, I've never been more ready. Even though I don't remember half of my stay." Clarke said, laughing.

Abby and Lexa laughed too, Abby taking place behind the wheel and Lexa taking place next to her girlfriend in the backseat.

"Let's go home, girls." Abby said as she looked at the couple in her rearview mirror. "No funny business in the backseat, I've got my eyes on you."

"Mom!" Clarke hissed, cheeks reddening. "Don't be so embarrassing."

She heard Lexa chuckle next to her. Then, a swift slap to the brunette's shoulders. "Don't encourage her!" Clarke exclaimed.

* * *

Clarke was happy to be home. Back into her own bed. Lexa next to her again, closer than ever.

One night several weeks later, Lexa and Clarke lay naked next to each other in the blonde's bed, a light sheen of sweat covering their bodies, breaths still a bit heavy from their recent activities in bed.

"I'm glad you're still here, Clarke. I was so scared when you were in the hospital. I'm glad you came back to me." Lexa whispered.

Clarke smiled softly at her. "I'm glad I'm still here too. Thank you for not leaving my side. Thank you for not giving up on me."

"Never." Lexa said. Her hand started tracing Clarke's nicely healed scar. Soon enough there would only be a thin white line, reminding her of the battle she survived. She would never be completely safe, but if luck is on her side this time, she will live a happy, healthy life with Lexa.

"It's beautiful. _You're_ beautiful." Lexa said softly, still tracing her scar. Then she leaned over and pressed a kiss to it. "My beautiful warrior."

"Lex, you're such a sap. If I ever tell Anya about this, she would look at me as if I've gone crazy." Clarke laughed.

"You know what, love? I don't think she would. She has seen how much I love you, she wouldn't be surprised."

The blonde giggled softly. "Alright then." Two seconds later, "I love you too."

They both fell asleep with a smile on their face.

A few years later, Lexa was getting ready for Clarke's graduation. The brunette had graduated a year before the blonde. She was at Clarke's house, but Clarke was with Octavia and Raven, getting ready.

"Lexa, hurry up or we're going to be late!" Abby had yelled from downstairs.

Lexa applied the last of her makeup and ruffled her hair a bit. It was untamable and she yearned to braid it, but Clarke preferred her hair like this.

And we all know Lexa can't deny her anything.

"I'm coming, I'm coming!" Lexa yelled as she went to Clarke's room, taking a package from under the blonde's bed, neatly wrapped with a blue ribbon, to match Clarke's blue eyes. "I was making sure the gift is ready!"

Lexa made her way down the stairs, a firm grip on the gift.

"I'm ready. Let's go." Lexa said cheerfully.

Abby nodded, taking Jake's hand and leaving the house, Lexa following them.

A little while later, when they were at Clarke's college for graduation, Lexa and the blonde's parents searched for a place, keeping an eye out for Clarke. They saw her sitting between Raven and Octavia, waving at them from afar. A smile spread all the way to her ears.

The ceremony started. Lexa and Clarke's parents clapped for everybody, but when it was Clarke's turn to go on the stage and get her diploma, they all stood up and cheered loudly, all three so proud of Clarke for finishing high school and going to college.

After the ceremony was finished, Lexa couldn't wait any longer and she ran to find Clarke, still with Raven and Octavia, talking to a group of other students.

"Clarke!" Lexa said as she grabbed the blonde's hand, turning her around. "Congratulations, love." Lexa kissed her on the lips. "I'm so proud of you." Another kiss. "So, so proud."

"Thank you, Lex. I couldn't have done it without you." Clarke said, squeezing Lexa's hand softly.

"Hm, I've got something for you." Lexa said, "Can we go somewhere less crowded?"

Clarke nodded and led Lexa to a spot a little away from the crowd.

Lexa let go of Clarke's hand and fiddled with the blue ribbon, biting her lip. "Here." She finally said, handing over the gift to Clarke.

Clarke accepted it and carefully removed the ribbon. Then she slowly unwrapped the gift. Lexa didn't understand how she could open a gift so patiently.

A soft gasp as Clarke saw what was inside the package. "Is this-"

"Yes." Lexa told her. "Yes, it is."

"Oh my god, Lex. I didn't know you kept it all these years."

Clarke was holding a drawing. But it wasn't just any drawing. It was the drawing they made when Clarke taught Lexa how to draw when they first met in the hospital.

Clarke's blue eyes were filling with tears and Lexa was still in awe by them. How blue they looked. It was the most beautiful shade of blue she's ever seen.

"I can't wait to spend forever with you, Clarke Griffin."


End file.
